It's mine so hush...

Blissful Bites #3

2012-02-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

It's that time of the week. Time to take stock of all the moments of bliss that occured throughout my week. I am again, down to the wire to link with the lovely Liv Lane's blissful blog post, and I think i'll make it this time!

1) I have to say, I find such joy in working with the clients that come to our clinic. For those of you out of the loop, I am a therapist for adults living with severe and persistent mental illness. I never dreamed I would so thoroughly enjoy partnering in health with this community. I had always thought I would be back in the DV/SA community as quickly as I could, but I really love the work I get to do with people.

2) Girls afternoon. I got to sip bubbly and make fun of Breaking Dawn part I with my lovely lady friends. It was delightful to catch up and plot for our next adventures together. I am so lucky to have such wonderful lady friends.

3) Dinner, just me and the hubs. It's a rare and lovely treat!

4) Salted Caramel lattes from Dutch Brothers Coffee.

How about you?

Blissful Bites #2

2012-02-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

I was down for the count most of the weekend, so I missed my opportunity to link with the lovely Liv Lane's blissful blog post. I thought about posting last night, but I just didn't have it in me. I was savoring every bit of energy I could muster, which wasn't much. So, tonight I will post my moments of bliss from the last week.

1. I Love Lemon Tea saved my life the last few days. Piping hot with a dollop of local honey was stupendously soothing to my throbbing throat.

2. Quality time with my bestie Moop. We checked out the crafty deals at Michaels and I am pleased to say that I have a Valentine's Day gift in the works already.

3. I have this amazing piece of art hanging in my home. I found it three spring breaks ago in a little shop in Florence, OR. I fell in love with it and another just like it. I read it every morning as I am getting ready in the bathroom and it has provided me with much joy. Annnnnyway, through this practice of acknowledging bliss, I found out the the uber-talented artist, Kelly Rae Roberts, that created the picture lives here in good ol'Portland Oregon and creates TONS of amazing art. You can check her out here.

4. Yoga! My amazing hubs made sure that I was able to get to Yoga two times last week. It made me feel so good. I use to practice several times a week, but with grad school, starting a new job and moving across town, I had neglected to find a place to practice. It felt amazing to get back in there and move my body.

5. Hope arrived!

These were my moments of bliss last week. What were yours?

"...and what do you do as a social activist?"

2012-01-31T08:59:00.000-08:00

I was asked the other day in the comment section of the blog, what I do as a social activist? I have to admit, I was a little intimidated by the question at first. My immediate thought was, "what if I don't answer it correctly?" Then, I gave myself a little nose-wrinkling and reminded myself that I get to tell my own story, speak my own truth and be comfortable in what I believe. That being said, this was my answer.

"I consider myself a social justice activist on many levels. Part of that is how I choose to practice in my professional life. I am a therapist and really try to operate from a place that there is not "one right way" to serve people. I try to continually look at/shake up systems that impact those I serve and the community I choose to live in. I strive to pay attention to where I have unearned power and privilege, and how I can try to share/give away that power to others. On a very personal level, as someone that often does not fit into societal standards, I try to live my life intentionally, taking up space and not ask for forgiveness for who I am. Short story long, that's how I feel I am a social justice activist in my life."

So, to all my social justice activists out there, what do you do as a social (justice) activist?

It's here!

2012-01-30T18:02:00.001-08:00

Hope has arrived and is place around my neck! It's even more beautiful in person. I'll be rockin hope all the time, now.

Little Bliss List!

2012-01-29T08:56:00.000-08:00

I believe I mentioned before falling in love with this website. I stumbled upon Liv (pronounced leeev, not like "Live Strong") when looking for ideas for Christmas. She creates some really positive and affirming art and has a store on Etsy. Anyway, on her blog, she has created a weekly post dedicated to recognizing the moments of bliss in her life. She invites others to post their own list and link with her. I wanted to do this last week, and didn't get it together in time. This week I figured what better way to wrap up my weekend than spend a few minutes recognizing my moments of bliss over the course of the last week. So here I go...

1) The smell of fresh brewed coffee on Monday morning and caramel mocchiato creamer.

2) Spending time with my bestie supporting each other through rough work stuff and celebrating the planning of her impending nuptials. I love that our relationship is deep, strong and marvelously complicated.

3) Weekly chats with my Grams. I am so very lucky to still have her in my life.

4) Sorting out my licensure supervision and finding someone I trust and respect to work with.

5) My wacky selection of Pandora Radio stations to fit every mood.

6) My first 10 minutes this morning enjoying the warm sun, double rainbow and feeding the wild bunnies that live in our neighborhood, before the rain returned.

7) Having this afternoon off to myself today!

What has your bliss been this week?

Oh, and by the way...

2012-01-25T08:37:00.000-08:00

There are some amazing gifts/ideas on Esty.com right now for Valentines Day! If you haven't checked it out lately, please do!

Holding hope...soon enough!

2012-01-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

I have been (not so) patiently waiting for this since before Christmas. This piece and a "Hope Lives Here" print from Liv Lane were tops on my list. When Santa didn't bring them, I headed back to Etsy to find it and buy it myself. Sadly, she was sold out. The artist let me know that she would have one in early February. Yesterday, I got an email from her letting me know she had it in the shop. Today, I am the proud owner!

I can't wait for it to get here. I love daily reminders of who I want to be and how I want to live in the world. Life can get overwhelming on occasion, and a small touchstone like this can be a good reminder.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T00:16:00.000-08:00

Here's to another year of growing, living and loving together!

"lost letters" is what the email said...

2011-12-31T19:11:00.001-08:00

My mother sent me the cutest email today.

"I get it. Let Alan read your christmas letter and he'll get it too. I was trying to reduce the excess clothing in my drawers and came across every mother's day card you ever created in grades 1-5. I am truly a PackRat. But these were the highlights of your creations. We do share a special connection. Hopefully there will be some insight for Alan that kids can argue with you but still love you. and yes you have been drawing on your body forever. You are my most colorful child...."

In the email she included the following:

(see, even at an early age I was preparing for my 1st tattoos!)

It was a lovely little gift. It came on the heals of a conversation we had while she was here for the holidays. I was trying to explain how my husband and I have different ways of viewing and handling holidays. I understand his reasoning and respect where he comes from.

I tend to run on full speed into November. Being a November baby it means my birthday (and now my husbands too!), Thanksgiving, several friends birthdays, Solstice, nephew's birthday, then Christmas and now my stepson's birthday. It's weeks of plotting, planning, gathering and celebrating. All of which also includes surrounding myself with good friends and family and as you can see above, I have always been this way.

I especially enjoyed the birthday card I made for her. By my hand writing, I am guessing I was in middle school then - I was really into writing my "a" differently. I love that I lay it out there, "even though we fight a lot, I still love you dearly." Some of my friends (and husband!) might agree that I haven't changed much. Less fighting, and lots of loving is how I try to live in the world now. And it still rings true, she is my best friend - always has been, always will be. I know I am a very lucky girl that way.

Anyways, it was a fun way to end the year. It's nice to recognize that caring, loving little girl is still alive inside of me, know matter how many challenges or heart breaks and how I have grown and changed. Thanks Mom & Dad, I owe you.

Nice job, Liv & Alan...

2011-12-30T20:22:00.001-08:00

Apparently the kiddo's birthday party yesterday was well received...

We are still working on the "Thank-you," part of being a kid. He get's it about 1/2 the time, unprompted. This sticky note on his bedroom door was pretty awesome when I went to wake him up this morning.

New hair, new dress...life is good.

2011-12-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

Happy Solstice!

2011-12-21T22:34:00.000-08:00

Today, about an hour ago Solstice began! From here until Summer Solstice the days will be getting longer - woohooo. I love winter. I love this time of year. I wasn't always a solstice celebrator. I have Stacy Bias to thank for that.

Five years ago she hosted a Solstice party and invited me along. She asked us all to come prepared with the things we wanted to manifest into our lives and the things we wanted to let go of. I took her suggestion very seriously and for weeks leading up to the party spent time collecting my thoughts, narrowing down what I wanted and becoming very specific about what I was asking for.

When I arrived that night, Stacy had a collection of beautiful stationary and pens for us to write our desires on. I remember pulling out my little list from my pocket and writing everything down in two columns. I was very proud of what I had come up with and felt very hopeful for the upcoming year.

Around midnight, we all gathered in the very cold and clear new winter air around a campfire. A friend of Stacy's sang a prayer and then Stacy led us through a mindfulness exercise to open our hearts and mind to the changes we were hoping for.

Writing this, I can smell the campfire and feel the coldness in my limbs. I can feel the tears running down my cheeks and taste their saltiness on my lips. Slowly, one by one we tossed our beautiful lists into the flames and let our hopes and dreams catch fire and be carried on smokey tendrils into the universe. It was a power night for me. I do believe that I manifested many of the changes that came that year. I tell Alan all the time that I manifested him into my life that night.

Sadly, I have never celebrated Solstice quite so intentionally as I did that night, yet every year I still have a short list that I meditate on as fall asleep. So, Happy Solstices, friends and may this year bring you many wonderful experiences, growth and change.

Shifting Gears

2011-12-15T22:58:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about doing this for a while. I have decided to extract myself from Facebook. At first I thought I would take myself off all together, but now I realize that I don't think I can do that. It's become an important tool to connect with resources, if nothing else.

I did decide to take the application off my phone last week, and I am feeling good about that decision. That being said, I still pick up my phone expecting to see some sort of notification from FB. I felt like I was going through withdrawls earlier this week, and now less so.

I was talking with my bestie Kelly this weekend and I was sharing how disconnected I am feeling from people. I spend all day with my colleagues, who are lovely individuals, and they are not my people (barring a small handful I have known since grad school). I am not playing kickball or bowling, so those folks are no longer around. I am not cheerleading or active in what remains of the Fat Activism community. I am not in grad school anymore, so that community is out as well. It's like there is a big void in my connection with people. I was grateful that Dexter has been on the last few months as it brought another bestie, Moop to me weekly.

I have tried to organize monthly (or there abouts) gatherings of friends, and that has helped. And I completely miss connecting with people. Some might argue that leaving/reducing FB time would be counter intuitive to those feelings, but I find that to be exactly opposite of my truth. I found myself being a passive friend via the FB medium. I could surf the pages of friends and know just about everything going on at a surface level (and sometimes deeper) with them and have no connection to them. I don't like that void.

If you are my friend, I want you here with me. I want to sit at a dinner table and laugh until we hurt together. I want to snuggle on a couch and watch movies. I want to check out all the restaurants and coffee shops in my new neighborhood together. I want to ride the Spring Water corridor trail to Gresham (and beyond!) with you. What I want is connection, real human connection.

So let's do this! Who's with me? I am taking names on my list of (mis)adventures and I would love to add you to it!

Somewhere in the middle...

2011-12-08T23:50:00.000-08:00

So, I did cut it. It's somewhere between the two pictures I posted earlier. I call it my "Inner Amy Williams." A-Dubs, as she is known, has the best hair all the time. Slightly shaggy and always stylish. I hope I can rock it as well as she can. I'll have to take some pics this weekend and post them. I also want to write a real update. Lots of changes around here. I'm diggin' life right now.

Itchin for a change.

2011-12-07T23:39:00.000-08:00

This happens to me all the time. I spend two years growing my hair out and they I want to cut it off. I know that I am low maintenance girl. I like a wash and go look. When I grow it out, I end up pulling it up everyday. I am thinking I want to go back to something I have had before. Not too short, and not long. Here are two styles that I liked a lot. Thoughts?

My hair is dark red and my bangs are currently a bit shorter than either one of these photos and will look good with either style.

Testing....123

2011-12-01T21:19:00.001-08:00

I am trying a post from my cell phone! Let's see how this works...

wow!

2011-11-23T14:16:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my 36th birthday. How'd I get here so fast? :)

Back at it.

2011-10-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

I am slowly getting my sea legs. I am getting better at rolling with the tide instead of trying to stand so straight. Life is changing in ways that feel good. I am struggling here and there, but isn't that apart of life? I want to get back to blogging. It's one of the many things that was put on the back burner the last few months.

As for a quick update, that I will elaborate on later, I graduated in June, took a fulltime job as a therapist in July, bought a house in August, and moved-in in September. It's been a busy couple of months. Lots of change and growth.

I'm exhausted.

2011-09-05T21:56:00.001-07:00

We are buying a house. In fact, we close this week and will have keys in our hands this coming Friday at 5pm. I am both overwhelmed by the process of buying a house and the actual moving part.

We are doing pretty good. For the most part, we have shared the duties of packing pretty equally. I have picked up the slack the last two days and I know that he will do most of the heavy lifting come the end of the week, so it all works out in my mind.

I am ready to get settled in. It's a much bigger space than we have been living in for the last few years, which is really exciting. We have all been on top of each other and it's hard not to be in each others space in our little apartment. At the new house we have four bedrooms. Two are upstairs in the "master suite" as we like to call it. Two more are on the main floor. One will be the kiddo's room and the other the guest/family room. There is a much bigger kitchen, a breakfast nook, and actual dining room area. I am excited about the idea that we will all finally get to sit down and dine with each other comfortably.

I am excited about our first Halloween with pumpkins lining the porch. I can't wait to have family together as we host Christmas dinner. I am excited for next spring planting my garden and having space for flowers to grow. I am looking forward to birthday parties, celebrations, potlucks and BBQ's.

But first, I have a few more boxes to pack...

My PSU Masters of Social Work Graduation Speech

2011-06-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

Here is the little video Alan took of my speech yesterday. I was soooooo nervous. I wish I would have smiled a little more, but over all, I think I did a pretty good job.

My Speech for the PSU School of Social Work Graduation today

2011-06-11T18:47:00.000-07:00

Dear friends, family, colleagues and mentors. I am so excited to be here today to celebrate with you, the end of this amazing adventure. As some of you witnessed on Facebook, I have been counting down the days for a few weeks now. Ok, maybe more like a few months. It wasn’t because I wanted out of class time or to be finished writing papers – well, maybe the paper part. But really, like many of you, I am eager to begin the next great adventure.

Like most of us, I entered this program eager about the possibilities of what was to come. I appreciated the exciting process of grappling with new ideas, trying on theories, and experimenting with who I wanted to be as a social worker. I feel grateful that throughout this experience I was able form relationships that I knew would nourish me personally and professionally for the rest of my life. Yet, during this same exhilarating time of personal growth and development, we experienced the heartbreaking loss of valued members of our social work community.

During the fall of 2008, we lost classmate Katie Nolan. She was a bright passionate woman devoted to grappling with what it meant to be apart of the social work institution while remaining committed to social justice.

Barely a year later, we experienced the tragic deaths of two well loved and respected social work professors. This horrifically unexpected act took the collective breath away from faculty, staff, countless students and the community at large. It left many feeling angry, confused and heart-broken. Yet during both of these very tragic events, something wonderful happened. Our community, together, was able to find hope.
Through the loss, confusion and anger we were able to come together. We were able to remember the goodness intrinsic in each other, create space for healing, offer ourselves authentically to each other as a means of support, and to remain hopeful about what life still had in store for us all. These were powerful experiences. They soften my edges a bit and reaffirmed for me that I had made the right choice in following my path to become a social worker.

As we leave here today and move on to our next adventures, I want to encourage you to remain hopeful. Never forget the unique and powerful compassion that you each possess. And even when the case loads may feel unmanageable, or the policies unjust – remember that we have the ability, as a social work community, to sustain the hopefulness that brought us to this work in the first place. For without hope, we have nothing.

In closing I want to share with you some words by Reverend Mark Belletini. These powerful words have guided my life for many years. Much like us, independently they are simple ideas. But together they create a powerful message of hope.

Live simply, gently, at home in yourselves.
Act justly. Speak justly.
Remember the depth of your own compassion.
Forget not your power in the days of your powerlessness.
Practice forebearance.
Speak the truth, or speak not.
Take good care of yourselves, for you are a good gift.
Crave peace for all people in the world, beginning with yourselves,
and go as you go with the dream of that peace alive in your heart.

Thank you and Congratulations Class of 2011

I did it!

2011-06-01T07:33:00.000-07:00

Wow! Barring any unforeseen circumstances, I am done with grad school, again. In ten short days I'll be walking across the stage receiving my diploma. It seems so surreal.

This time two years ago, I had just left BAH and literally on a whim, had applied for the MSW program. I had been talking about doing it for a couple of years, but I already had a Masters, and a job that I loved, so why bother. Then when BAH hired a new ED and it became crystal clear that we were not going to be able to work together in a meaningful fashion, I took the opportunity to get out. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but everywhere I applied, they wanted a MSW, not and MPA even with 12 years of experience. So back to school I went.

I am really glad that I made that choice. I am so lucky that I was afford the opportunity the way I was. The universe has a plan for me, of this I am sure. I have been blessed with amazing internships, part-time jobs that have helped keep our family afloat, a loving partner who even when he might not have wanted to, was always supportive, new colleagues that challenged me to be a better social worker, and friends that were always cheering me on. And we did it! We made it through.

Now it's on to the next adventure. Who knows what the universe holds, but I know whatever it is, I am really excited for it. So, thank you everyone who supported me along the way. I felt the support daily, and can't wait to pay it back in spades!

Woooohooooo! I'm done with grad school!!

What do to with sadness...

2011-05-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

I've had a heavy heart lately. I know that it's a mixture of transition, disappointment, frustration and fear. All of it leaves me feeling unsure and sad. Normally I approach change with an open heart, but I am just not able to reach that spot right now. I am hoping that some of it is simply stress of the term ending and with the submission of my final portfolio, that these feelings will be lessened. I am hoping that with settling into a new pattern of life, I will be able to address it in a meaningful way. But, right now I am more inclined to lay on the bed screaming, "life's not fair!" A pretty thought, am I right?

I know I have been here before. I also know that life will get better. Yet right now, it's taking all I have to live simply, gently and at home in myself. So, I am going to take my mama's advice and go lay on my bed for a while and remind myself, that this too shall pass.

Everyone needs an indulgent day.

2011-05-21T17:48:00.000-07:00

Today I have done absolutely nothing related to school and it feels great! I really should to be writing my last paper, but you know what, I'm not. I needed this day. I haven't had a day like this in almost two years. I woke up early, took a shower and crawled right back into bed. I watched really questionable TV for three hours before convincing my hubs he should crawl back in bed with me. We had a long lunch out, including the yummiest dessert ever. After which I indulged him by accompanying him to Home Depot and not complaining once. Then we came home and tinkered around the apartment. I attempted to give Marty a hair cut (poor dog!) and bath while the hubs played video games, we planted flowers and cut some wood for our chiminea. Next on the agenda is a trip to PetSmart and a stop at YoCreme. Then we'll come home and lay on the couch all evening watching Season 1 of Six Feet Under before dragging ourselves to bed too late. Tomorrow I will return to working on papers, getting my curriculum ready, finishing my semi-annual report for work, church and preparing the house and laundry for the upcoming week. But that's tomorrow. For right now, I indulge...

Deeeeeeeep breath.

2011-05-15T09:32:00.001-07:00

It's been a rough morning around here. Team Mongoose struggles with Sundays. Lots of transitions happen on Sundays. Someone is either coming or going and that increases anxiety. When I look at it with my therapist brain, it makes total sense. Transition is hard, even when you are prepared for it. Transitioning between what might seem like two completely different cultures, even harder.

I am starting to feel anxiety about Sundays, which is a shame. It's one of my goals, when I have a life back that no longer includes mandatory readings and paper writing, to really start working on this. We have to find a new way to manage this in our home. Perhaps a celebration aspect could be added? I am not sure. Anyone out there have ideas? I would be in very deep appreciation for any wisdom you could offer.

Senioritis?

2011-04-17T15:22:00.000-07:00

Absolutely. I find myself wavering between the feeling of extremely uncertainty about the future, post-grad school, and the feeling of complete exuberance that my every waking moment will no longer be a balance between internship, class, work, family and friends. I am having a hard time imagining what life will look like on the "outside."

I have taken to describing my life as a delicate balance. Everything is stacked into place and much like the game of Jenga, move one block too many and it will all come crashing down. That being said, I've almost finished the game! In a matter of weeks, two years of amazing support of my hubs and kiddo, my parents and friends will culminate in yet another masters degree. Life feels different this time around. I really do feel like we all worked hard to get this degree and I really want to celebrate everyone who helped me.

Alan carried a significant load of the emotional work on this one. He was there for me when I was exhausted and feeling like the end of the term was never going to come, with gentle enthusiasm. He slept on the couch when I was up late writing papers in my office/our bedroom. Alan made me tea, made me laugh and listened to me bitch about theory/class/the cost of books. He actually did some of the readings with me and challenged me through debate which helped me strengthen my beliefs. Sometimes he just left me alone to do what I needed to do with out making me feel guilty and sometimes he threw in a little guilt to even it out! :) I can't say enough how much I appreciate him and his support.

Gage has been a super kid. He has joined me for many hours of "library time" in the livingroom as I read thousands of pages of course readings. He has been patient when I wasn't always able to join in him and his dad on outings/games/activities. Gage asks me how my test/paper/presentations went with actual interest. Most importantly, he has been a firm reminder of the resiliency of people. We have both worked really hard the last two years to get ourselves to where we want to be.

My parents and friends, as usual, are amazing. They have been there to support me when I was feeling down and defeated. They checked in on me at the perfect times when I was feeling lost in my "school life." They took me to the beach, to game nights, bbq's and dinner. Most importantly, they never took it personally when I was checked out of "life" and into "school."

I also deep gratitude for the new friends I have made in the SSW. What an amazing bunch of smart, funny, passionate, intuitive, experienced, loving people. I have learned so much from you all. When I think back to all that we have encountered together - the loss of our colleague Katie in our first term together, the moving of the program, the pains of personal growth in such a public setting, the tragic loss of two professors in such a devastating manner and the impact that it had on the faculty/staff/students, the continuing challenge of remaining hopeful while we grapple with the oppression present in our institution. You have all been so gracious and open with who you are and who you want to be as we have moved through this experience together, and for that I am so very grateful.

It's been an amazing two years and I feel so much hope as I prepare to leave the proverbial nest of the SSW. I am not sure what is next, which for those of you who know me well, know that this a really tough place for me to sit in and I am doing it anyway. I am trying to stay present in this moment and appreciate what you all have shared with me, knowing that this particular adventure is ending and excitedly waiting to see what adventure is next.

Six down and only one more to go!

2011-04-03T17:13:00.001-07:00

I can hardly believe that I only have three more months, or 68 days to be exact, before I finish this masters program. During Joys and Sorrows last Sunday, I shared with my congregation that it was a joy to be finishing up this part of my life and a joy that my family has been so supportive through this process. After the sermon I had several people approach me to congratulate and inquire about how I felt about the process.

My response is always a mixed bag of emotions and experiences. I sort of fell into the MSW program. When change was happening at BAH and the opportunity to take a voluntary lay-off presented itself, I wasn't sure what was to be next. I knew that BAH was changing into something I was no longer going to be able to stand with. So being able to leave without (too much) drama was a good thing. As I began searching for other jobs, it quickly became apparent that an MSW was important in this town. It was frustrating that even with a Masters in Public Administration and 10 years experience in the field that those three letters were so important to many organizations that were hiring.

After multiple conversations with Alan about what going back to school might mean for our family, we decided that I should apply. On Monday, with applications due on Thursday, I began the process of applying to the PSU MSW program as a part-time student. I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to get in. I had done everything so last minute and was sure that I had forgotten something.

In late spring I got my "you were almost good enough, but we'll leave you on the waitlist" letter. I was a little heartbroken, and mostly frustrated that my direction hadn't been cleared up. If I got into grad school life would look one way. If I didn't it was going to look completely the opposite. Yet, here I was in the in between place. So, we decided that I would spend the summer finishing up all the last details of our wedding and enjoying unemployment. Once the wedding was over, we would hopefully know one way or another if I was going to get in to school or get a job.

Literally the day we were driving to Eugene four days before our wedding, I got an email that said something like, "we have a spot in the fulltime program, do you want it? let me know asap." Nothing other explanation, just yes or no. I was so excited I could hardly control myself. We spent the hour and half ling drive sussing out the pros and cons of what fulltime would look like. Alan was hesitant, and incredibly supportive. Of course, I was going to do it. We jumped in as a family with both feet and never looked back.

It has been a challenging journey. For every sense of fulfillment I have experienced, there are equal amounts of disappointment. I had really hoped to find more than just a program that espoused commitment to social justice and social change including a much more in depth exploration of interpersonal violence. Instead, I found a program that seems hurt. I have felt the divisiveness amongst faculty and staff members permeating the classrooms. It has often felt like there is a wound that needs attention, cleaning and protection as it heals. There is a desire to have students engage in this intensely personal struggle with who we are when we enter the program and what we hope to become, but it feels like the institution that is supposed to be challenging and supporting this process has screeched to a halt itself.

Yet, I have hope. I have hope that with the changing of the administration, there will be a new surge of lifeforce in the school. There are too many amazing people working in the same space to not be able to find some common ground from which to start the process of healing wounds. I am holding space within me for the hope that the healing can happen.

As for the relationships I have created and friendships formed, I am going to miss the weekly face to face interactions. I am going to miss access to knowledge in a way that you can only have in a formal educational setting. I am going to miss moments by myself wandering my way to campus. I am going to miss the energy that flows through the halls. I am going to miss the ebb and flow of each term and each school year beginning and ending. I think I am an education junkie that thrives on it all.

I am excited to move on to the next adventure. I am excited to see what married life will be like when I am not in school. I am excited to use all of my new knowledge and experiences to help others. I am excited to find ways to continue to stay engaged with the School of Social Work, beyond donations to the alumni association. So now I hunker down, try to keep my nose to the grindstone and finish this one last wave in this part of my education.

writing about myself is weird...

2011-02-21T08:38:00.000-08:00

I was asked to speak on a panel about fat activism and the health at every size (HAES) movement. I am really excited as I have been involved in some pretty amazing activism in my life. I had to write a "short" bio about myself. It was a weird thing to have to do, but here is what I came up with and I hope it sums me up correctly...

"Liv has spent her life learning to love the body she is in and helping others recognize the power within themselves. It doesn't matter if it's radical cheerleading with F.A.T.A.S.S., building community through her work with FatGirl Speaks, or effecting change through her commitment to social justice in social work; Liv is dedicated to creating a world where everyone feels valued exactly the way they are."

Family of Origin work; it's hard stuff.

2011-01-26T08:36:00.000-08:00

I am just weeks into my second to last term of grad school. This term in my advance practice class we are doing family of origin work. The idea is that we are exploring our family history and how it impacts the work we do. Hopefully, the goal is, as we move forward in our practice to be aware of where working with individuals may be hard and where we might experience transference and counter-transference.

I am not sure why I thought it would be such a great idea to sign up to present first or why I chose to talk about Alzheimers, but I did. So this afternoon I am presenting my family genogram and talking about how Alzheimers has impacted my family. Below is the narrative I wrote to share with my peers. It's going to be a bit intense today around 1pm, so if you have some extra positive energy to send my way, I would truly appreciate it.

“Alzheimer's is a brain disease that causes problems with memory, thinking and behavior.”

As long as I can remember Alzheimers has been present in my family. My great-Grandmother on my mom’s side, Mama Chinn, had it. My maternal grandmother, Grandma Thomas, has it. My paternal grandfather, Grandpa McClelland, had it.

I don’t have any real memories of Mama Chinn. Everything I can think if is just a story that was told to me by my mother and grandmother. Mama Chinn was put in a care facility when I was very young as the dementia made her too difficult to care for. I remember hearing my Grandmother talk about how hard to was to visit her mother. Mama Chinn would ask my grandmother where her daughters were and tell her that they never came to visit her. My grandmother would just sit there, holding her mother’s hand and listen. I remember hearing that Mama Chinn had gone into another woman’s room and tried to help her get dressed. The other woman didn’t want her help and tried to get Mama Chinn to stop, so Mama Chinn pushed her. The woman fell and broke her hip. Mama Chinn had to be moved from that facility because they felt she was a danger to the other clients. It wasn’t much longer after that, that Mama Chinn’s health began to fail and she eventually passed on.

“Alzheimer's is the most common form of dementia”

“Shit, shitshitshit. I can’t believe I did that.” She stared at us, me 16 and my brother 12, looking completely confused. “Did you read the tags right?” We did. The gift I had wanted was sitting unwrapped in my brother’s lap and I was holding his. My mom started to cry. “I can’t believe I did that. Did I really do that?” Through her tears and quick breaths she managed to tell us that she had thought she had done good this year, labeling everything as she went along as to not forget. We didn’t think it was a big deal. In fact we thought it was pretty funny. We’d gotten what we wanted, we gotten to open gifts – so what if it was the wrong one. But even then, I knew what she was afraid of. She didn’t have to say it out loud. It was the white noise always present in the background – whispering, when will I start losing my mind too.

“Alzheimer's is not a normal part of aging”

I did not spend a lot of time with my mother’s parents growing up. When my mother met and married my father, a military man stationed in DC, she knew that one day she would be living across the country from her parents. My mom tried to get us out to see her family every few years. As we didn’t get to see them as often, we were the spoiled grandkids. My grandmother could never remember our names. “Melis, er, Steph, er I mean Olivia,” was a common cry down the stairs into the basement. As I got older, I would tease her, trying to evoke a smile out of her often cranky face. She would mumble something about too many girls and usually give me a mischievous smile. As time passed, the opportunities to head east became fewer. I kept up on her through emails from my Grandpa and the occasional phone calls usually around the holidays. My mom would tell me stories of Grandma’s memory deteriorating and the concerns she was having for my grandmother’s safety, often fighting back her own tears.

In my late twenties I would end up making two trips with my mother back to her childhood home. The first trip was to support my mother as she and her sisters had a very hard conversation about moving, with their parents. A little over a year later, I would go back to help my mother begin the packing process. I don’t think I have ever laughed and cried so much in my life. In the time between visits all memories of me had been erased from my grandmother’s memory and she had to be reminded who my mom was on nearly every occasion.

I felt so much sadness and fear. First my great grandmother, then my grandmother. Did that mean my mother would be next? The thought of losing her, or more accurately, her mind losing me is one of the most terrifying fears I have.

“Alzheimer's worsens over time”

“Hugh, now stop. Sit down in your chair, you can’t walk without your cane you know that.” My Grams was forever yelling at my grandpa. They had been taking care of each other since she was 15. He had made sure that she had a roof over her head and food in the pantry and she made sure that their house was a home and food nourished their family. They were best friends. I have no memory of them ever saying a hurtful thing to the other. They spent their life together getting by and were fortunate enough in later life to have some financial resources that allowed them to finally play together. They would crawl into their RV and travel the west coast, stopping wherever they wanted. They played cards all the time and sat in their recliners devouring books together. They had a lovely life together.

In my late teens, it became apparent that my grandfather’s mind was starting to fail. My grams would wake in the middle of the night to find him in the living room preparing for a job he’d retired from 15 years before. She would yell at him, half in anger and half in fear to go back to bed. We all witnessed his deterioration and worried about them both, but Grams was dead set on caring for him. As the dementia increased, it was Grams who got rid of his hunting rifles, hid the keys to the car, got child proof locks on the doors, bathed him, cared for him and was there holding his hand when he finally succumbed.

I look back know and have no idea how she did it for so long. The love, strength and fear present for her over the last 8 years of my grandfather’s life as he slowly pulled away from us all in mind and eventually body, is amazing. To this day, she says she wouldn’t have done a thing differently and still thinks of him every day.

“Alzheimer's has no current cure…”

I watch. I watch my dad. I watch my mom. I watch myself. I swear, you never told me that. When did we talk about that? Damn it, where did I leave that dot dot dot? When my mom or dad launches into a story that they have told me in our last conversation, I wonder is it just forgetfulness, or is this a sign?

Last year I did my practicum at a continuing care facility where I worked with people who were experiencing the beginning stages of dementia, and were in the process of transitioning from independent living into 24 hour care and their families. I learned a lot. It was a great opportunity to have honest frank discussions with my partner and my parents about what they want as we all age. It felt empowering to be able to walk down this path a number of times with families each trying on different emotions. I want to say that this opportunity lessened the fear of the possibility of what’s to come, but really it didn’t. I am still terrified when I think about the chance that my parents might lose me, long before I lose them.

whew! we survived 2010!!

2011-01-03T09:37:00.000-08:00

I have to say I am really glad that 2011 has arrived. Last year, well it was a bit of a beast. I am ready for a fresh start and all the potential 2011 holds. I have been thinking a lot about what I would like to do this year and started a list. This is by no means exhaustive, but it's stuff that has been rolling around in my head for a while.

Participate in the Oddfellows June Triathlon
Graduate in June with my Masters in Social Work
Be working full-time by the end of the year
Continue working on my parenting skills
Start a Step Parenting support group
Sew something
Read a book for pleasure
Continue working on my communication skills
Camping!
Go to the beach
Crater Lake
Pay off a credit card
Have comprehensive health insurance paid for by my employer
Create community
Get more in touch with my spiritual side
Be more creative
Take a class/workshop for pleasure
Move my body daily
Get my knee repaired!
Go dancing
Surprise myself
Quit holding back

I know there is more in me, but I think this is a good start.

That hairy beast issue...

2010-12-03T14:29:00.000-08:00

I have issues. No big surprise there. Who doesn't, really. I am usually pretty good about keeping said issues in check, but today that was so not the case.

It started this morning when the groupon of the day was $149 for $1000 worth of laser hair removal. It seems innocuous enough, hair removal. People do it all the time. I have thought about doing it. My aunt and mother have both done it. But let me tell you, when I got to thinking about it, it took me on a very slippery slope which ended in tears.

It started back when I was a senior in high school. I remember the moment like it was yesterday. I was camping at Dorena Lake with my parents and family. My Uncle Don was standing in front of me and grabbed one of my chin hairs, pulled it out and said, "What are you growing a beard?" I was mortified. I understand now that he wasn't trying to be mean or humiliate me, but in that moment, I just wanted to cry.

I had spent my entire life up to that point trying my hardest to fit in, including following every beauty regime possible. Being a fat kid, I was already at risk for being picked on, so I certainly did not want to "create" any other "errors" by not keeping myself in the best cosmetic shape possible. I knew that I was growing more chin and neck hair than I had seen on other girls. I knew that my mother, grandmother and aunts all had struggled with it. They plucked, Nair'ed and used electrolysis to try and remove their facial hair. I was just hoping that no one would notice mine and if I was lucky, I wouldn't have as much.

Unfortunately that would not be the case. As the years have progressed, so has my excess hair growth. In my early 20's I was diagnosed with PCOS, poly cystic ovarian syndrome, of which one of the symptoms is excess hair growth. After my diagnosis, I have had multiple doctors ask me if I was interested in trying medication to slow the growth, but I have really conflicting feelings about ingesting chemicals daily to stop a symptom of a larger issue.

What this has meant for me is that I deal with male patterned hair growth, which totally sucks. I have to shave my chin every couple of days and my chest too. In the summer if I want to wear a bikini, I have to Nair my tummy. When I was dating, it was horrible. I was so self conscious about it. What would a potential partner think? When do I not shave daily, so that they see what it looks like and decide if they want to be with me? I remember the first time Alan "caught" me shaving my chin in the shower, I felt humiliated. It seems ridiculous when I say it out loud, but it's my constant struggle.

How could someone find me attractive like this, is a question I struggle with often. When Alan touches my face, I sometimes cringe because I don't want him to feel the roughness. I was so worried that all my wedding pictures would be lovely, except for the shadow my facial hair leaves (thank you SO much emilyg for making me look gorgeous!) I was listening recently to a panel of Trans folks talk about the importance of having their outsides match their insides - and felt for a moment that I could relate. Every morning when I look in the mirror, I struggle. Some days it's easier when my face is smooth and I am having a good hair and make-up day. Others, I just want to cry and feel so frustrated and angry to look the way I do.

It's funny, one would think that being a fat girl in our society, that my one wish would to have a skinny body. Honestly, that desire RARELY crosses my mind - most often when I am thinking about the hassles of "flying while fat" but that is a topic for another day. What crosses my mind on a daily basis - get this excess facial hair off me!!

So I have been staring at this groupon all day thinking, should I do it? What if it doesn't work? Then my dream of not having to deal with this is kinda over. I also think - for christ sake Olivia, get over yourself. You are happy, for the most part healthy, you have a wonderful husband, sweet step son and all in all, lovely life. Quit bitching about a few (ok, a lot more than few) pieces of hair. But it's more than that. It means "getting over" a lot of "issues" that I am still just figuring out and that I know will take a while. In the mean time, I may just give it a try. The groupon deal is up all this weekend, so I have some time to keep thinking it through...

I have so much to be thankful for...

2010-11-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

There has been so much "stuff" going on in my life lately. Between loosing my job in August, the never ending custody process we are attending to, the normal challenges of being a parent, trying to maintain a happy healthy relationship with my husband while I am going to school, homework and internship woes - it is easy to go to a place where I feel encumbered. Overwhelmed is an understatement today.

Today I turn 35. My morning started with a grouchy husband who was running late to work, me rushing around the house trying to prepare for our journey to my parents for the holiday weekend, finding a brand new container of ice cream in the refrigerator instead of the freezer and a crying spell in the middle of the kitchen. Not exactly what I had hoped my birthday would be like. But as trudged to the bus bundled up with tear streaked cheeks enjoying the quietness in the frigid fall air, I realized how blessed I am. This year has brought me many wonderful gifts.

My first full year of marriage - what a gift! It wasn't perfect, what ever that means, but it was a good foundation for a long life together. We have worked really hard to create space to grow as individuals and as a couple. It's really quite lovely.

I've had more time with my stepson. I have felt so blessed to have him in my life. I have formed a safe and loving relationship with him. Don't get me wrong, being a parent is hard work and being a stepparent brings its own set of challenges. But I really do love him and enjoy watching him grow into an even more wonderful human-being.

I completed my first year of graduate school. It has been a challenge balancing class, homework and internship with the other aspects of my life, but I did it. I have also learned a lot about myself and who I want to be as a therapist. I have had some great experiences and learning opportunities and over all wouldn't trade any of it.

My friends continue to be amazing. I have been so blessed with wonderful people in my life. This year we have welcomed new babies, become homeowners, watched relationships bloom - grow - and end, together. We have held each other during times of sadness and loss, as well as whooped and hollered at our successes. Through the magic of Facebook, I have reconnected with long lost friends and through the School of Social Work, kickball and new jobs have made new life long friends.

There aren't words to express how wonderful my family has been. Long phone calls with my mom, dad, brother, sister-in-law and grams have helped sustain me when I wasn't sure what to do. They always have the right words to prop me up, ground me and help me move along in my journey. I thank the universe daily to come from such smart, funny, compassionate people.

So yeah, I have many many people and opportunities to be thankful for this year. I hope you all know who you are and feel my love and appreciation of you. And if 35 is half as good as 34 was, I will be doing alright for sure.

Firsts

2010-10-31T11:23:00.000-07:00

Our lives have been filled with many firsts lately. When I thought about writing this post, I was thinking more about the firsts that Gage has been experiencing - outdoor school, middle school dances, mainstream classrooms, but the more I thought about it I am experiencing firsts as well. It's amazing how easy it is to lose sight of the newness of life when you are going 90 miles a hour ahead into the unknown.

Gage went to outdoor school this past week. He was so excited about it. As long as I have known Gage, he has talked excitedly about outdoor school. His older cousin Jonah got to go a few years ago, and I think that is probably when the seed was planted in Gage's mind. He would bring it up randomly, but more so when we were preparing to go camping or were actually camping. He would hypothesize what it would be like to sleep away at camp with strangers, or whether he would like the food. Sometimes he would talk about the stuff he would like to do including archery, swimming, food fights and general tweenage fun.

When the time came this year to actually go to outdoor school, I was a little worried that he wouldn't enjoy it as much. I know what it's like to build something up in your head so much that there is no humanly way possible for it to come true. I really hoped it wouldn't happen this way for him. So when I saw his sweet face debarking from the school bus last Friday, I was excited to hear how it went.

For nearly two hours he recalled all his adventures, shared stories of hiking, archery, new friends, bugs, two desserts a day, short showers, dressing in sleeping bags, earning beads for leadership and all the other fun he had. After he finished up, I asked him if it was everything he thought it would be. His answer was no, but that he would do it again if he had the chance.

That response was another first for Gage. He has rounded the corner heading full steam ahead towards maturity, and we have been working hard to help him realize that life isn't always going to be the way you want it. However, you do have a choice in how you respond. You can either stew on what you don't have, think you deserve, didn't get and want to have or you can enjoy the ride and know that maybe next time it will be different. It's a hard lesson for anyone, but he's getting it.

It's moments like these that are firsts for me. I feel like I am really contributing to the wellbeing of this sweet child. Occasionally I have moments where I feel frustrated or unsure in my role. I am not his biological mom, but I am responsible for his wellbeing, both physical and emotional. There are things that if I had it my way, I would have done differently. However, at this point it's neither here nor there. So I sit back in my role as step-mom and do my best, hoping some of my good qualities will rub off on him too. I can't wait for more firsts and being there to share them with him.

Fall Fun!

2010-10-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

Team Mongoose decided to spread our pumpkin adventures over the course of two weekends! We tried to organize a pumpkin farm adventure with friends, but I failed to anticipate the craziness of an early Sunday morning at the farm. We did get to hang out with Kelly & Michael and Suzanna & April. Sweet Dizzle, Michael & Kelly's dog was along for the ride too. The Shattuck-Hardy Family started out with us, but it proved to be a little to overwhelming for the little ones. Better planning next years, meaning get there earlier and bring a wagon! All of that aside, it was a GORGEOUS October fall day. We couldn't have asked for better weather.

The following weekend, Team Mongoose spent a rainy Friday night designing and decorating our pumpkins. Alan and Gage decided to go the fancy route and use a stencil to create their ghoulish pumpkin. Me, I stuck with the simple first grade look. Why change it up when I am so good at that!? ;)

We had a really good time. Gage is still young enough to have fun and not get too caught up in the "my parents are sooo dorky" attitude! I totally remember feeling that way about my parents. Hopefully we have him a little bit longer! :)

I think I must be doing something right...

2010-10-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

After two hours straight of the kiddo telling me all about his outdoor school adventures - every counselor he met, hike, stinky boy stuff he did - he tells me he learned a song that he "knew instantly" I would really like. I asked him to sing it to me, which he said he was too embarrassed to, but he really wanted me to read the lyrics. Check this out...

" A penny's made of copper,
love is made of hearts,
magic is within us all,
too soon we must depart,
a magic love is in the air,
the spirit round you flies,
a magic penny means i care,
your magic in my eyes.

For a magic penny says the things no words can say,
its a silent song of friendship that has grown,
to someone who gives back to you,
the love you gave away,
a magic penny will never be alone

For nothing can be had,
from a penny you don't spend,
love can never grow inside till given to a friend,
i've learned so much from all of you,
i wish this would not end,
but if we learned to share our love,
it will come back again.

For a magic penny says the things no words can say,
its a silent song of friendship that has grown,
to someone who gives back to you,
the love you gave away,
a magic penny will never be alone."

How sweet is that? And that he thought of me. Even sweeter. I sometimes don't know how good of a stepmom he thinks I am, but in moments like that I think I am doing ok.

we are all learning...

2010-10-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

I think we all forgot what it was like when 2/3 of us are back in school and Alan works full-time. Now that Gage is in middle school and is mainstreaming, there is more homework to be done. Getting it done on time means something different than it did before. We are all working on getting our schedules figured out and making sure that our needs are being met.

Co-parenting a middle school student is a bit more challenging too. They want more freedom, but there are also more responsibilities, both personally and academically. At Chateau du Mongoose we are trying to teach Gage how to manage multiple responsibilities and prioritization, both of which are challenging for adults to do, let alone an eleven year old. As I arrived home from class last night at 9:30pm and watched Gage and Alan put the final touches on his first big social studies project due this morning, I felt a mixture of pride and frustration. I was proud that with little struggle, Gage was getting the project done. He had spent the better part of his time, since arriving at our home around 6:30p, crafting all the pieces, writing up the notes and decorating the box. Gage is a great artist and enjoys doing crafts, so this project was more fun than work.

However, I was also frustrated. I was frustrated that he hadn't told us about the project when it was assigned three weeks ago and that we had to learn about it at Back to School night. I was frustrated that he was supposed to have been working on this project for the last three weeks and for the last two weeks, when ever we asked about it he said he was working on it at his mom's. I was frustrated that it was like pulling teeth last week when Alan sat down with him and tried to get him to work on the project. Lastly, I was frustrated when he arrived back at our house yesterday with only one craft done.

These are the years in which we are laying the ground work for how he will be as a student during the rest of middle school, high school and hopefully college. Having a few college degrees under my belt, I know how hard it is to stay on top of projects and how miserable it is to have to stay up all night to finish something I had all term to complete. I wish I would have learned how to plan my time better. I wish I would have learned that doing it incrementally would save me tons of stress and frustration. I don't want Gage to fall into these bad habits.

I know it's only the first project and I probably shouldn't stress it, but I really want to see Gage be successful. It's our job as his parents to make sure that he learns how to do this. We have to lead by example, by sitting with him to make sure he's working on it, and by checking in with each other to make sure we are all on the same page in supporting him. We are all learning this year.

apparently I bought a ticket to overwhelmedville...

2010-10-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

Well back into my first week of my final year of grad school. I am really excited to be back. I loved see old friends, and enjoyed meeting some new folks too! My classes are all great, the work load doesn't seem to overwhelming so far. I got to do two days at my internship, both of which were great. I am looking forward to getting to work with clients, hopefully sooner than later.

On the work front, well not much going on there. I was notified by the employment department that I have qualified for the Training Unemployment Insurance program. It was created for displaced workers that could better their job situation if they got an associates or were less than two years from finishing their undergrad degree. I applied for the program last fall, but they denied me. I decided that I would try again this time and since I am over 1/2 done, they made an exception. All it means is that I do not have to actively be looking for work while I am in school. It doesn't give me a bump in the amount that I receive weekly (a whooping $97 after taxes)and the program will end the day I get my degree.

I am still looking for work. I had a second interview on Wednesday. It seemed to go really well until the second to last question. It felt like they wanted a really specific answer and I guess I wasn't understanding exactly what they wanted me to say. I was told that I would hear either way by today and as I haven't heard anything, I am assuming I didn't get the job. So yeah, i am feeling a little stressed about how it will all play out. i am trying really hard to keep a good game face on, not get to stressed out and do the best that I can with what I have. It's all I can do right now.

weekly update.

2010-09-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

As I learned last school year, time flies when 2/3 of the family are in school! I wanted to make sure an log the adventures we do as a family, as sometimes we forget what we've been up too. My mom swears she can't remember the 80's because she was working full-time, raising kids, hauling us to girl/boy scouts, swimming, soccer, football etc. This is my new memory holder. :)

Gage started middle school this year. It was decided that staying at his current school was the best idea.. It runs k-8. He seems to like it. We went to his Back to School night this week and got to meet all his teachers. They all think he is the bees knees and will do great at mainstreaming this year. He's a really smart kiddo for sure, but like any middle schooler can use some work on motivation! ;)

The first week of school went well. We had Gage for two days, and had some fun. He told us all about his class. He has 8 people in his class and it's a mix of 6-8 graders. His old bestie from elementary is in his class, which made him pretty happy. He made a couple of new friends and seemed to be getting along well.

The second week we were back in our regular schedule and it was our long weekend with Gage. The school week seemed to go well. Alan decided to buy Gage a cell phone that way he could check in with us while he was maxing home from Boys and Girls Club, call his mom during the week and be in touch with his friends. It's a big responsibility and we are working with him on how to use it correctly and take care of it. He also got to start back at Boys and Girls Club. He really enjoys going there. They have tons of activities and he gets to socialize with kids outside of school. I think it has helped him a lot having another social avenue. I was gone for the weekend with the girls, but I heard rumors of lots of video game playing, pizza and movie watching with the boys. Some good father/son time indeed!

This week was the third week of school. Wednesday was a favorite, Spaghetti Dinner, at Chateau Du Mongoose. Since we all starting living together even before we got married, I worked really hard to make sure that we got to sit down together for dinner each night. I did this with my family growing up and it was such a good time to catch up and learn about what is going on in everyone's life. After dinner we all just chilled out and enjoyed each other's company. Thursday was the Back to School night at Gage's school. It was so fun to go and meet all his teachers, talk to them about how he is doing in school and let them know we wanted to be involved in his education. He proudly showed us all his artwork hanging on the wall, his desk and his friends. It was a fun night and it was one of those moments I really felt like a mom. Friday night we had a family meeting with the custody evaluator for the custody case we are currently involved in. After that, Gage and I convinced Alan to make us some home made Pad Thai while Gage played Wii. After dinner we introduced Gage to one of our favorite treats, YoCream. It is the most delicious treat where you get to pick your frozen yogurt from a rotating menu of like 8 kinds. Then you get to pick from the 12 dozen different toppings. It is a lovely treat to enjoy on a 70 degree sunny fall evening. After desert we poked around in a few stores. Gage got a new blue t-shirt and turquoise(his favorite color!)hat. This morning we got up and had a pancake breakfast together. Then we headed out to march in the Walk a Mile in Her Shoes Fundraiser for SARC. We raised $550, and got 2nd place as a community fundraiser! It was great. Kelly, Micheal and Thunderfoot joined us for the march. It was so lovely to participate as a family for something so important.

So now we are rolling into the fourth week of school for the kiddo and I start school Monday. Wish us all here at Chateau Du Mongoose luck! We're going to need it!!

lots in my head, now to just get it out on paper, er the screen

2010-09-24T21:53:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about stuff. What it means to be a step parent. What it means to be a step parent when you start parenting without children of your own. The challenges of balancing life, school, relationships and your desires. I just can't seem to get myself motivated to put it down on the screen. It just keeps rolling around in my head, which is often not a good thing. But now that I have it out here for the world to see (or at least the three of you that follow this blog) I have to commit to following up. Bear with me. I see these being conversations with myself, so they may not be that great. A work in progress, if you will. Kinda like me.

Oh Oregon Employment Department...

2010-09-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

I spent 25 minutes on hold this morning waiting to find out about training program that is available for people who have lost their jobs and are enrolled in school full-time. When I finally got through the lady was super helpful, but at the end of the call notified me that my claim had been denied because I was in school. This information differed from what I was told on Friday afternoon at 4:30pm on my last call with the OED. The woman told me not to worry about it, fill out the paperwork and fax it back to her ASAP. I appreciate her sentiment, and for the time being I have enough resources in place not to worry about it, but what if I didn't?

It really made me think again about the importance of the language I use as a social worker. Even with good intentions, I need to be aware of how it can feel like I am dismissing someone's very legitimate concerns, especially if they are in a place of high stress. Perhaps a simple, "that sounds really frustrating, here's what I can help you with..." would have been a better response.

Ouch, that hurts...

2010-09-10T23:06:00.001-07:00

I finally got through to the Employment Department today, just in time to learn that I would qualify for $116 a week in unemployment assistance. Wow, talk about feeling like I was kicked in the teeth. Had I not taken my most recent job and stayed on unemployment, I would have been bringing home $1,600 after taxes. But instead, I took a part-time job that had "guaranteed funding" until June 2011 and a pay-cut. Let's just say I am kicking myself a bit. What do they say, hind sight is 20/20...

What a lovely end to Summer 2010!

2010-09-08T08:59:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was the ending of our very short summer. Fortunately Alan had planned ahead and took Thursday and Friday off. We tried out kayaking for the first time and had a hoot of a time! We are both plotting and scheming how we can afford our own kayaks, but in the mean time, we are planning on renting from Next Adventure. Needless to say I was a little nervous going into this adventure, but our guides Jess and Nick were awesome. Super helpful guys that made the day amazing. As a fat girl I am always a little leery around the sporty folk. I consider myself pretty athletic and outdoorsy, but that can often get lost on others. No problems here. The guys were great at teaching me how to get into my boat with easy, using my core muscles to make paddling easier and just being great guides. I would totally recommend them!

After our kayaking trip we loaded up the car, picked up the kiddo and hit the road to Eugene. Friday morning we were up early and headed to the beach for a long weekend of camping. We joined my parents, one of my best friends Amber and her family, Rich and Louise and Diane and Alan. It was a great group! Amber's oldest son is a year younger than Gage and they get along famously. They spent the weekend running the campsite, sand boarding, swimming, biking, telling stories and just having a good old time.

You know what they say, if you hate to leave, it must have been a good vacation. That was certainly the case for all of us. We hated packing up Sunday morning and heading back to reality. Back to work, school and all the chores awaiting us at home. It was a good weekend though, and our first real camping trip as a family. I think we are all looking forward to our next camping adventure.

PS - I totally got to re-live my childhood and swam across the lake! When I was a little girl and attended summer camp at Camp Cleawox, the big deal was swimming across the lake. I think it was called Knights of the Dunes or something like that. I was pleased to find out that I am still a Knight and made it over and back in under 30 minutes!

Change, will it do me good?

2010-09-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

My job ended yesterday. It was fairly abrupt and unexpected, but once I got over the shock I was ok with it. I am able to get unemployment and I have applied for a few jobs that would be interesting and more social work related. I have to admit it is easier this time.

When I was laid off from BAH I was really angry about having to give up on something that I had worked so hard for and was so committed to. I was angry that the "new leadership" was so off base. I was scared about what was going to happen to me and whether or not we would be financially ok loosing so much income. But it all worked out in the end. We were ok, and I ended up being less angry.

This time I have a clearer understanding of it all. I know how to work out a schedule. I know what I need to do to keep myself from going bonkers. I can just relax for a minute and reformulate my game plan. Now that I think about it, I am pretty sure this change will do me good. :)

whew again!

2010-08-30T07:51:00.000-07:00

Lots and lots of adventures and activities happening around the Mongoose household. August was a really busy month. Gage was with us for two weeks straight, which was a treat! We made sure to spend it wisely with lots of fun family activities.

The first couple of days he got to spend with his maternal grandma. They went to the movies, played games and hung out together. From all of Gage's accounts it was a fantastic time. Upon his return home we had a nice bbq with the rests of his maternal side. Only bummer was it was the hottest weekend on record this year and we spent the afternoon chasing the coolest most shaded spots we could find in our backyard. Although we did have a splash war in the kiddie pool!

The following day was spent trying to stay cool! In the morning, I got to have breakfast with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Amber. She is a roller derby girl in Eugene, and was up here for a weekend long competition. It was so nice to hang out for a couple of hours catching up on life. I am so blessed to have her in my life still! After a delicious breakfast, the boys decided to try ice skating at Lloyd Center. Gage got around once or twice, but then decided it wasn't his thing. Alan did pretty good. He was befriended by an older gentleman and his wife who skate their all the time. They gave him some pointers and he was cruising around. About 45 minutes in he took a pretty impressive spill and busted his elbow open, so he decided that was it for the time being.

Later that afternoon we headed to Chunky Dunk - a body positive swim party hosted at Peninsula Park Pool. It was still 94 degrees at 5:30, so we really enjoyed being in the water. Gage worked pretty diligently on his jumping into the deep end skills and by the end of the night was a pro in the 8 foot waters. We had a really great time.

Monday brought with it the beginning of camp. Gage had been waiting all summer to attend. He was a little nervous, but more excited. We biked in to camp together on Monday morning and were pleasantly surprised to find out all the activities he was going to get to participate in. They got to go swimming three times, field trips to parks, playgrounds, the movies and the big one - Oaks Park. Gage was beside himself with anticipation. The week went really well. He made some new friends and was bummed when it was over. We are hoping to get to send him again next year. He really wants to go back.

We also spent an hour each evening watching HUGE together. If you haven't checked this show out, please do! It's the story of a group of fat kids and a weight loss camp. Normally that would so not be my style, but this show is quite complicated. They have done a good job casting real fat kids, not size 8 adults. They deal with complicated feelings, trying to fit into a world that tells them they are not ok who they are and looking at how to live holistically healthier lives. We all really like it and we have some pretty meaningful conversations after each show.

After a pretty busy week, the weekend was mellow. We did join some friends on Saturday to wander the Alberta Street Fair. It was a nice cooler day, so even though the street was packed, it wasn't miserable like last year. Sunday we took a little adventure. We headed up the Gorge. First we hit Multnomah Falls. Gage has been asking about going there for months. We didn't have anything on the calendar, so I packed a picnic lunch and we went for it. We stopped at the falls and hiked up to the first bridge. I unfortunately have a torn meniscus, so that was about as far as I could go. After our min-hike, we enjoyed a picnic lunch. I wanted to show the guys the windmills that line the gorge, but couldn't remember how far they were away. We decided to just drive until we found them, which was about 100 miles away! But we also found gorgeous hills, warm sunny skies, crazy wind and an enjoyable afternoon together as a family! on our way back we stopped off at Celilo Falls and Gage played in the water while we watched the wind surfers. Then we headed to DQ for a sweet treat to enjoy on the ride home. It was a really lovely day. I am so blessed to have had that time with my boys.

On Monday we met up with our friends Luc and Nora and headed out to lunch at NOSH and then off to OMSI. I have never been during the week before. It was really nice. Not a ton of people when we arrived, so the kids got to really enjoy themselves. I had never been upstairs before and that was pretty cool. Gage and Nora both got to hold this really creepy bug and Gage and Luc practiced their weather reporting skills using a green screen. It was pretty funny to watch.

On Tuesday, Gage and I met Gage's Uncle Don for some bike riding along the Banks/Vernonia trail. It was a hot day, but this gorgeous trail is covered in natural shade with a few sunny spots along the way. It's paved and not too hard of a climb. We worked our way four miles up to the top, then coasted our way back down to a lovely lunch spot. After lunch we coasted our way down to the car. We were almost injury free, until Gage wiped out at the 1 mile mark. He earned himself a nice knee and elbow scratch, but thankfully his head was protected by his helmet and no other bones were broken.

It was good two weeks together. It was fun having Gage around more and watching him get out there and participate in activities. He is growing up so fast and in just a few days will be a middle schooler. Shortly, he won't want anything to do with us, so we are just enjoying the time with him the best we can. Guess that is all you can do as a parent. Love your kids and teach them to be the best people they can be. The rest will work itself out.

I cant' hardly wait!

2010-08-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

Today is going to be spent finishing my paper due tomorrow. Oh yeah. Good times. I am really ready to be done with school for a minute. I just have to stay focussed today and get through this. I have to have it done by 5pm. I want to be free to hang out tonight with the boys. This is the beginning of Gage's two weeks with us! More on that later. Now it's a quick shower, breakfast and on to paper writing!

I can't wait for this week to be over.

2010-08-10T07:58:00.001-07:00

I suppose everyone says that, but I am really done with summer school this Thursday. I am so ready to not have to be engaged in homework for a while. I am really struggling to finish this last paper this term. It's only 8 pages, which shouldn't be trouble at all, but it is just staying motivated enough to get it done. Argh. Three more days, three more days, three more day - perhaps if I keep saying that it won't be so bad. ;)

And what a year it has been...

2010-08-09T14:39:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, August 8th, Alan and I celebrated our first year of marriage. We spent the day only doing the things we wanted to. The laundry, still unfinished from the day before, remained untouched. We left the dishes in the sink. We slept in late and took our time getting around in the morning. It was lovely. We then hopped on our bikes and headed across the river to the Chinese Gardens. After leisurely wandering through the quite and sereneness, we poked in and out of gift shops in bustling Old Town. In the heat of the afternoon sun, we headed up to the 30th floor for happy hour at the Portland City Grill. You could see three quarters of the city from a vantage often only witnessed by birds. The drinks were delicious and made our cheeks pink. Soon the crowded venue was no longer what we craved, so back on the bikes again to find a new spot to enjoy together. After an unintentional bypath through the streets of northeast, we arrived at Vendetta where Alan proceeded to share with me his love of shuffle board while enjoying an ice cold lemonade Pabst in the sun. As Johnny Cash crooned to us over the juke box, we flirted like a couple on their third date, eyelashes fluttering in anticipation, bodies brushing against each other and innocent kisses being shared. As the sun started to fall in the sky, we hopped back on our bikes and headed to a delicious dinner at our favorite hole-in-the-wall Thai restaurant. We ended the evening sharing tasty sweet-treats cuddled up with each other on the couch.

It was a lovely celebration of our first year together. All the trials and tribulation of our daily life - work, school, bills, custody battles and the like, were suspended momentarily. We simply got to bask in the happiness that we bring to each other. It felt like reconnecting to all the things that initially drew us together, but with a deeper appreciation of the whole people we are. I really needed that time with my partner in life. I feel rejuvenated and re-centered in my commitment to our relationship and each other. I am excited and ready for what year two will bring us...

The Great Jam Experiment 2010

2010-07-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a home where canning was the norm. I fell asleep many a night to the rattle and hiss of my mom's canner. She would can string beans, corn, home-made veggie stew and jam. It was so common place, I didn't think much about it as a kid. We had locally grown food year round. As I got older, I wanted to learn how to make my own food and can it. It seemed so tough to do. I surely didn't have the right supplies and I wasn't even sure what to do.

Saturday, on our way to a party, we stopped into a QFC. They had this seemingly HUGE container of strawberries. Alan asked me twice if I was sure that I needed that many. I assured him that I did. He then asked me what I was going to do with them all. I confidently, for no apparent reason, answered "make jam!" I went on to use them in a couple of July 4th baking projects, but still had 3.75 lbs left. So this morning I googled strawberry jam and jumped right in!

After a quick trip to Freddies to get the jars, I started hulling and then smashing 4 cups of strawberries, then juiced three fresh lemons and readied 4 cups (gah!) of sugar.

Once I had it all laid out, I put it on the stove and got it to a rolling boil of 220 degrees for 10 minutes.

While the jam was cookin' I readied the jars and lids. I dug out my stock pot thinking that it would be plenty big for the four 12 oz jars of jam. It would have been, had I been able to just set the jars down in the pan. Unfortunately I learned that I needed to set them on a rack in the stock pot. With some creative finagling I was able to get them in the pot and covered with the appropriate amount of water where I let them boil for 15 minutes.

When the timer buzzed I removed them from the water and let them cool until each one of the lids "pinged" to indicated they were sealed tight. I was really proud of my handy work. I definitely want to try to can some other stuff. I need to collect up more jars and then plot away! Arminda promised to help me do pickle string beans, and I would love to can up some veggie soup and chili. Come winter time it would be nice to just pull something home-made off the shelf and have a healthy home-made meal in seconds!

Settling in

2010-06-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe it's almost July. With the grey cooler weather and me being in summer school, it seems like we aren't really haven't reached summer yet. I am hoping the weather will change up a bit. We have had a few days of sun, which has been lovely. I am hoping it sticks around next week when the kiddo comes back.

Speaking of the kiddo, it's been fun having him a week at a time. Our summer schedule is a week with mom then a week with dad. It so nice having him around. Plus, being here for a week gives us some good time together. We get to settle in more as a family. With the old schedule, it seemed like we were always going at a break neck pace to fit in all the stuff families want to do together and in our Friday night through Sunday 8am restrictions, there was never enough time.

Our first week of summer together we got to do some bbq-ing, adventures around town, Gage got a hair cut that he picked out himself, we got him a few more clothing items to round out his summer wardrobe, Pa & Nena came to visit, lots of bike riding, a boat ride on the Willamette, family movie night at the Kennedy School, a play date with his friend Avery, and he got to do some reading - which he loves.

It's been nice hanging out just the two of us during the days Alan works from the office. I am working really hard to make sure that Gage gets to have a fun relaxing summer. I want him to get to hang out with his friends, hopefully make some new ones, get to do some activities and enjoy being a kiddo for a little bit longer. He is rounding that corner into middle school and not wanting anything to do with us anymore. I remember it. I am working hard at building a trusting respectful relationship with him. I try to model open, direct and ethical communication. I want him to know he can talk to me about whatever is bothering him and I am not going to flip out or discredit his feelings.

Being a parent is hard. I am not saying that in a 'whoa is me' sort of way. I am just honoring all the work, love, frustration, happiness, joy, and heartbreak that goes into helping another human being grow up in this crazy world. Props to all my friends who have been doing it way longer than I have. Being a step-parent presents a whole different set of challenges, so again, props to all my friends who have sat where I am sitting today. I am so blessed to have such a loving supportive birth and chosen family who have been such great role models of how to create a loving caring family. They are constantly a support for both Alan and I. They offer us guidance, support, and sometimes just a shoulder to cry on and a wise ear to listen to us as we struggle and succeed at being good parents.

whew...

2010-06-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy few weeks. All of us on Team Mongoose wrapped up school. Papa Mongoose did really well in his writing class. It was a tough go of it, getting back in the school routine, but it paid off with a big ol' A. Lil' Mongoose finished up school yesterday. He is officially a middle schooler now. I got my grades back yesterday and was really proud. Although I wasn't able to get that elusive 4.0, I did get an A, and two A- so I can't really complain.

Today is the first day of our new summer parenting time schedule. Gage will be with us 1 whole week at a time. It's kind of exciting. Our time together is often so short and couched in school that we don't get to have downtime to hang out. We have enrolled him in camp for a week in August which sounds like so much fun to me. Lots of swimming and activities. The week Gage and I are spending today, tomorrow and Monday by ourselves. We have a pretty adventure packed day today and we have kickball tonight as well. Tomorrow, more artsy crafty stuff as we have Father's Day cards and a birthday card for Nena to work on.

This weekend should be a lot of fun. Nena and Pa are coming on Saturday morning. We are going to celebrate Nena's belated birthday on Saturday with a bike ride along the Marine Drive trail and picnic lunch. On Sunday we are taking the Dad's on a boat ride up the Willamette. It should be a fun weekend.

What summer adventures do you have planned?

500 down, 500 to go...

2010-05-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

Today I finished the last of my 500 hours of internship for first year. We have to complete 1000 hours over the course of the two year program. It feels good to be done with the first half. I had a great year. I got to work in two very interesting programs and learn a host of new information and skills.

I have to say that I am really looking forward to next year. I am excited to be interning at Sexual Assault Resource Center (SARC). I have a list of reading for August and September, once I finish up summer term. I get to attend training in October too. I am so excited to do this work.

YAY Me!

Wow, that was great!

2010-05-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

It was so much fun to get out of town this weekend! It was like we were newlyweds again. When we pulled out of Portland it was pouring and gray. As we rolled into Lincoln City it was sunny with fluffy little white clouds rolling by. We headed immediately to the beach to enjoy the big glowing orb in the sky. After a walk down the beach we headed to Chinook Winds Casino to check in. We got a great room with an awesome view of the beach. Alan opened the windows and we didn't close them until we left this morning. It was so lovely to listen to the crashing waves as I fell asleep last night. I slept like a baby. We had fun playing slots, poker and blackjack. No big wins, but definitely had a good time. This morning we enjoyed the new Pig N'Pancake in Lincoln City before heading back home. We decided to stop off and Spirit Mountain Casino and see what it was like. We played a few hands, but decided that it was just too smokey for us. We jumped back on the road and headed to the Woodburn Outlets. I wanted to see what deals I could find on some new summer clothes for the kiddo, work pants for the hubs and I am still in search for the perfect summer skirts. I did alright. At least the boys are good to go.

It was a wonderful whirl wind of a weekend. We need more of them. We are already planning the next one! Here are a few shots from our adventure...

woohooo!

2010-05-22T11:42:00.000-07:00

Alan and I are finally getting away for a night to the beach! We are so excited. We get to pretend we are newly weds again. I'll post pictures upon our return.

A weekend off

2010-05-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

This weekend we are heading over the mountain to see Grams. With the parenting time schedule that we have, we are only able to go away one weekend a month. This month we chose to visit my paternal Grandmother in Redmond. It's supposed to be a lovely weekend in the high desert. We will all have a great time. The boys love the neighborhood as there is great biking and parks. Grams loves having her family around her. So it works out to be a win win situation.

Tonight we are packing a picnic dinner to take with us and will hopefully find a nice spot to pull over and eat at. Tomorrow, depending on what Grams needs done, we are talking about hiking up Pilot Butte and the boys want to check out the skate park. We are planning on meeting up with Aunt Jill and Uncle John, some of the cousins and their kiddos. It's going to be a fun family weekend!

Gratitude.

2010-05-07T12:29:00.001-07:00

How did I learn how to be grateful? Until recently, it was a rare day that I would celebrate the absolutely mundane gifts I received on a daily basis. I did not even view them as gifts. I expected them - a roof over my head, food in my belly, transportation, clothing, the love of my family and friends. I rarely ever stopped to think about what gifts each of those are.

I know I am lucky. Where as life has not always been easy breezy, it sure has afforded me some rich wonderful experiences. I have two amazing parents who have spent their lives doing the very best that they could to make mine and my brother's lives happy and healthy. This doesn't mean they were perfect. This doesn't mean there weren't times when our life as a family didn't feel desperate or painful. It means that life was complicated and my parents did their best.

One of the amazing gifts they gave me was the gift of gratitude. My parents struggled through out my childhood financially. They came from very different backgrounds and life experiences which gave them differing ways of looking at and managing resources. I remember their struggles and how each thought they were doing what was best. As someone who now shares financial responsibilities for a family with my parter, I have great admiration for what my parents were able to do for us and each other. Never during their struggles did I get the message that we didn't have enough.

No matter how financially burdened they may have been, my parents created an amazing life for us. They got us involved in our community. They challenged us to take our education seriously. There was never any question that if we wanted to achieve something, that we could. They taught me to be creative and think outside the box. They encouraged me to dream big, work hard and to never give up. Never give up on my family or my friends. Most importantly they modeled gratitude.

Daily we witnessed how truly grateful they are for each other and the life they have created together. They show us continually how grateful they are to have us as children, and now our partners and children as an extension of the family they created. I am truly grateful to have had such great examples of how to live in the world and am now trying to pass these examples on to my step-son.

I have kept a gratitude journal off and on for many years. Recently, I had started writing in it again. I was feeling burned out and stuck, so to help me reset my thinking I dug out my journal. It was so great to go back and look at some of the amazing events, emotions, thoughts and even recipes that I had been grateful for over the years. It felt kind of silly to be inspired by my own self, but I was.

As a family, Alan, Gage, and I have been trying to look at amazing gifts we are to each other, what we have to offer and what we have been given. I think sometimes in the rush of the day to day we lose site of those gifts. We began last week by purchasing Gage and Alan their own journals to start writing in. Then we spent some time together before Gage went to bed writing down - and in Gage's he also drew some pictures - what we were grateful for that day. It could be anything, the dinner I ate, the shower with lots of hot water, the fact that I got to cuddle with both my boys while watching a movie together. Then we shared one of our thoughts with each other.

I am so glad that we started this as a family. It has been such a great gift to sit with our little family and really concentrate on what we are thankful for. I know it helps me. I go to bed thinking about the good things going on in my life. I feel like Gage is trying really hard to figure out what gratitude means for him and it's fun to get to be apart of that. I also think Alan is enjoying the process as well. I am grateful for this.

Gage's new room!

2010-05-01T12:24:00.001-07:00

Last weekend we all decided that Gage's room needed a little revamping. Gage was tired of his loft bed. We spent some time online looking for beds. He found one at IKEA that he liked, so after a quick trip to pick it up we put his new room together.

The before picture...

Cleaning stuff out...

Dad puts the bed together...IKEA is never easy!

The cool new space!

Baby McClelland arrives!

2010-05-01T10:07:00.000-07:00

Nephew number four arrived this morning at 6:35a. He is 9lbs 3oz and 19 inches. He was waiting for Nena to get there. She arrived on the plane at midnight and Whit went into labor shortly there after. His parents are still "discussing" what his name will be. ;)

biking queen!

2010-04-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

I am trying to become a bike commuter. I started last friday. It went really well. I made it into work with no problems. It only took me 30 minutes-ish, which really isn't much longer than the bus and I didn't have to fight anyone for a seat! ;)

After many suggestions from my fellow fatties on how to make the ride better, I was really excited that I didn't hurt after. It was a pain to have to drag extra clothes and such, since I really didn't have anything to pack them in. Fortunately this weekend I was able to purchase panniers for the bike. I bought nice bright red ones that hook easily on to the back.

When I shoved off yesterday morning, I felt like a real bike commuter. I actually rode to a doctors appointment and then to work. 6.5 miles of burning thighs and wind on my face. It was great! I still feel a little discombobulated when I am getting going or locking up. I am never quite sure how to lock up my bike. Blue Bell is a big girl, and doesn't slide in slickly as a road bike does. I watch people pull up, slap on their lock and run off. I am so not there yet. Mine is more like an awkward first date with a lot of nervous self-chatter and fumbling around my space. It's cool though. I'll get it and in the meantime, I am just enjoying the newness of it all.

it's been busy 'round these parts!

2010-04-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

Last weekend Team Mongoose headed south to Eugene to celebrate Pa's birthday. We were supposed to go camping, but Pa was fighting an allergy/asthma attack, so we decided to take it easy. Gage did get to do some fishing with Pa. Pa loves having his grandson around. They get on well together. Nena and I cleaned up around the house and prepared for an afternoon barbecue.

Fat Club...

2010-04-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

I read this article yesterday about why 'weight diversity' activists are standing up for the right to be fat. The writer interviewed an amazing woman that I have had the chance to meet and work with during my days of FatGirl Speaks, Marilyn Wann. I am really ambivalent about the article. On one hand, it was completely skewed and did a poor job representing MW. She is a brilliant activist, and knows her stuff. The author didn't seem to be writing an unbiased piece, but more of a personal opinion piece with quotes from people she interviewed. And on the other hand, that's how lots of people think. They truly believe that people like me are disgusting, slovenly, unkempt 'takers.'

I did find some of her (the author's) comments interesting...

First Rule of Fat Club: fat people are not all living in shame.

Second Rule of Fat Club is clear and an accepted fact by all: fat people are not always fat because they eat a lot. Consider also genetics, depression, isolation, poverty, a messed-up metabolism through a history of yo-yo dieting, combined – to a lesser or greater extent – with a degree of personal choice.

Third Rule of Fat Club: Not all fat people are sedentary.

Rule Number Four: thin people – particularly women and girls – live under the oppression of a fattist society, too.

Where as I can get behind some of the sentiments, I still wonder why it matters? Why does it matter to thin(other) people if I am living in shame (or not)? Does it really matter why I am fat, or just that I am fat? If I want to sit on the couch all day watching reruns of Criminal Minds, is that any of your business? And lastly, ALL people, men, women, young, old, fat, thin - are effected by the oppression in a fattist society.

Anyway, just thought I would share some of my thoughts. I would love to hear what others thinks...

mmm...what's cookng on the stove?

2010-04-12T17:46:00.001-07:00

Between school, internship, work, being a wife, mother and friend I haven't gotten to do all the little things that I really love. I've given up bi-weekly pedicures for movies with the kiddo, getting my hair done for dinner out with the hubs, 50k a year plus benefits for the hope of a career I can do for a lifetime. I am really ok with my choices. I'm the kinda girl that understands that this is just temporary. In two months from now it will be different and two months after that, again there will be change.

Knowing that I was missing out on "me time," I specifically changed my school schedule this term to negotiate a bit more face time with my hubs and a little time to myself. It's been nice so far. I have Tuesday night to hang out at home by myself and do whatever I want, which most nights is homework and Thursday night as a date night with my sweetie.

I have decided that on "me night," I am going to try one new recipe a week. I feel like I have gotten into a rut and cook the same stuff all the time. It's getting boring. So today I am making Green Chili Stew.

I got this recipe from allrecipe.com. I chose it as one that I might be able to translate into a crockpot recipe, which with life the way it is these days is golden. The ingredients are simple:

1 tbsp oil ( I used EVOO)
2 lbs cubed stew meat (New Seasons organic, no hormone, locally grown beef)
1 onion (I used 1/2)
1 10oz can diced tomatoes with green chiles
1.5 cps beef broth
1 4oz can chopped green chiles ( I used mild)
1 tsp garlic salt ( I didn't have any, so I used a little salt and 1 tsp garlic powder)
1 tsp ground cumin
2 large potatoes, peeled and cubed (I used fingerling potatoes with skins on)
optional - 1 cup frozen corn

Basically I heated up the pot and added a little oil. I threw in the diced onion for 3 minutes and then the beef. Once the beef was brown, I poured in the tomatoes, chiles and beef broth. I seasoned it with the garlic powder, salt and cumin. I then brought it all to a boil before letting it simmer for an hour. At the hour mark, I added the diced potatoes and frozen corn. I also added about 3/4 cup of water. I brought it to a boil one more time and then let it simmer for 30 minutes. Et Viola!

I served it up with a dollop of sour cream and some yummy sour dough bread from New Seasons. It was delicious and there was plenty left over for lunch tomorrow. YAY new recipe success! Next time, I'll try it in the crock pot...

spring love...

2010-04-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

After hours of feeling like I was going to die, I decided that needed to get some fresh air. Yesterday morning, moments prior to the onset of "the sickness," we hit up the gym and then Freddie's annual spring flower sale. They had all sorts of pretty flowers out and if you brought your planters with you, they would make you gorgeous basket arrangements. I had forgotten mine, plus - I like to get my hands dirty. So I got some lovely dark/light pink geraniums and a few little flowers to make a hanging basket.

I also got a pretty Gerber daisy to pot in my window seal in the kitchen.

At the last minute I also decided to re-pot my two unruly jade plants into one big flower pot. Hopefully my green thumb is in working order and everything survives the transplant!

the sickness!

2010-04-11T09:35:00.001-07:00

i don't have any idea what happened this week/weekend. i was sooooo sick. my internship has norovirus going around. i apparently managed to catch it. it came on Saturday morning and wiped me out. i was up all night. no good. i am heading back to bed now.

Pictures from pre-camping Adventures with Nena and Pa!

2010-04-03T11:18:00.001-07:00

Pa shows us his true colors! Always quick to smile and laugh.

Alan and Nena working their geo-cashing skills

Team Mac Pac Mongoose celebrating their geo-cashing find!

Gage finds a nice place to sit in the water.

He even finds a fort!

Alan trying his log rolling skills.

Gage catching a little nap in the sun.

Nap over, time for adventure!

After a long day of adventures - Team Mongoose passes out on the ride home!

The Busy-ness Returns...

2010-04-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

What a week! When I am in school the days sometimes drag out, but the weeks fly by!! Then weekend arrives and the kiddo with it. We never seem to have enough time to do all the things we want to with him.

Last weekend we headed up to Hills Creek, just outside of Oakridge. We were checking out the camping options for opening day of fishing season in April. That is also Pa's birthday, so we will do a little celebrating as well. We had a good time. The kiddo was having a bit of a rough day, behaviorally, but all in all had a really good time. We did some geo-cashing, which is always fun. We found both of the geo-cash stashes. We decided that we were going to make one and stash it when we go camping. We did some hiking around the lake. The water was still really low, but Pa and Nena think it will be better when we go in April. It was a gorgeous day with not a cloud in the sky.

This weekend we are sticking close to home. The boys are out at the gym. They have taken to playing Racquetball on Saturday mornings. Gage is getting the hang of it and seems to really enjoy this time with his dad. I have been preparing some eggs for dying later. Since Gage goes home so early on Sunday, we are going to have to do our Spring Celebration today. I am going to put together a little basket of fun stuff for him. Then I am off to get a pedicure!! I so need one. I wanted to wear sandals the other day by my tore up toenail polish prevented that. Plus a little girl time by myself is always a treat.

That is the exciting life and times at the Team Mongoose home.

Back to school...

2010-03-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

I just completed the first week of school. It's hard to believe that the end of my first year of grad school is in sight. I am really looking forward to my course work for this term. I have been to all my classes and I really enjoy the instructors. The workload doesn't seem unbearable, yet. But it never does the first week of classes. We are still giddy about being back together and the possibility of what is to come.

These are my goals for this term.
1) I want to get all A's. Doesn't have to be a 4.0, but all in the A range.
2) I want to get my reading and homework done on time.
3) I want to get my papers done early as to not be scrambling the night before.
4) I want to enjoy what I am learning and the company that I am learning with.

I figure if I start the term off with some tangible goals, it will give me something to work towards. Hopefully it will also help keep me on track. Wish me luck!

Marty Dog spent the afternoon at the spa...

2010-03-26T14:20:00.000-07:00

just what i needed!

2010-03-26T10:09:00.001-07:00

had a lovely day at the beach yesterday. it was blustery and cold, but it was the beach! enjoyed some good face time with the laydees in my life. nice to get out of town, even if just for a few minutes. continuing the trend with the fam tonight. heading down to eugene, then to Hills Creek to scout out our camping location for Opening Day of Fishing Season. also doing a little geocashing along the way!

it's beach day!!

2010-03-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

I am soooo excited! Today I am heading to the beach with the girls!! Kelly, Lisa and I are going to head out to Seaside to check out Kelly's favorite candy store, then down the coast to Tillamook to visit the cheese factory and back home again. It should be a fun day. I got the Rav an oil change, gassed up and cleaned out for our adventures! It's supposed to be raining and cold, but I don't care. I am just excited to get out of town with the girls for the day. So look out beach, here we come!

successful shopping trip!

2010-03-24T16:47:00.000-07:00

I found some great deals today at the Woodburn Company Stores! First, I got my boys some sweet kicks. They both had been wanting new Vans, so I got Gage some great purple and black checker board slippons. Then I got Alan some gray, black, white and splash of red half cabs. I hope they both like them! From the Vans store it was off to Lane Bryant! I scored the cutest new dress, a little black shrug, a black jacket to go with my slacks, and two gorgeous shirt. One is turquoise and lacy and the other is light gray with a pretty embroidered design. All my purchases for the day for under $200! I did some good shopping...

Winter Term Grades

2010-03-24T08:44:00.000-07:00

Just got my grades for Winter Term. I did alright, but am a little bummed. I got an A- in my Research class. I am ok with that. The main portion of the grade was a group project, which was a total pain. Now that it's all said and done, I am pleased with the grade.

In both Micro Theory and Generalist I got B's. The frustrating thing about these classes was that going into finals, I had no idea what my grade for either class was. In Generalist, it was because I had to turn in my paper late due to switching internships mid-year. In Micro Theory, it was because the majority of the class grade was based on a final paper (due the last day of class) and a take home final (due the last week of class). I hate when grading is set up this way. I feel like it doesn't give you the opportunity to work towards a good grade. You can be thinking the whole time that you "get it." But by then, you have just spent thousands of dollars and 10 weeks of your life to find out you didn't quite get it. oy.

Guess I shouldn't complain. 3.17 gpa this term in grad school is good. Just means I am going to have to work a little bit harder next term...

a little about nothing...

2010-03-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

I thought I would be a much more exciting blogger. Ok, I thought I would be better about updating daily because it's attached to my gmail account. Either way, I haven't been the best blogger. It's ok though. It must just mean I haven't had a lot to say the last few days.

I have been really tired. I was starting to come down with something right after finals, but I think I was able to fend it off with vitamins and sleep. Now I am just catching up on sleep missed during the term. I am really excited about next term. I am so glad to not be in class three nights a week. It will be nice, especially as the days get longer to come home and hang out with my hubby, and hopefully some night with my kiddo.

Speaking of kiddo, we had such a great weekend. We spent the whole day together on Saturday, just him and I. After he finished up his chores, we headed out to the Tidal Wave bookstore sale. He got two Calvin and Hobbes books and a couple of manga books all for $4. He was pretty stoked. After that we went to lunch at Red Robin. We ate lunch and played games together. Then we headed over and caught the early show. We saw Diary of a Wimpy Kid. He has all the books and has read many of them twice. We both thought the movie was pretty funny. He was excited to be able to tell his friends at school that he had seen it over Spring Break. After it all, he and his dad skateboarded to the playground to play some kickball and bbq with some friends. Like I said, it was a great day!

The kiddo has been dong a really good job trying to modulate his behavior. He really wants it to be easier. We are really proud of his work. He's a good kid, but you know - it's hard being a kid sometimes. Adults bossing you around. It's not fair. ;) But he's getting it. Slowly but surely. I just keep telling him, all we want you to do it get up every day and do your best. That, and that I love him.

this.

2010-03-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman. - anais nin

can't wait for weekend...

2010-03-17T22:09:00.001-07:00

i am really looking forward to this weekend. it has been a busy couple of months and i feel like it's been a minute since i was able to chill out and not have to worry about a reading that needs to be done or a paper that should be written. although, my boys have been super supportive. both of them give me time to work and sometimes we are all working together in the living room on our respective homework assignments. we dub the living room the library, so everyone has to be respectful of each other. i hope it sets a good example for the youngster. he seems to get into it too. he's such a little bookworm. he'd be happy as a clam reading for hours if we let him. guess there could be worse things to be addicted to!

anyway, this weekend is about fun! alan has to play in a dodgeball tourney this weekend, so the kiddo and i are hangin out together. i think we are going to hit up the book sale at Tidal Wave and then go check out a movie. at 3pm there is a pick-up kickball game at King Elementary School that we might go check out. you should too if you are looking for something fun to do! it's supposed to be 68 degrees on saturday, so a good day for some spring kickball for sure.

then sunday, sunday is shoe shopping day. and maybe a trip to IKEA to get a new mattress for our bed. we hate hate hate the one we have. i am so bummed i spent so much money on it. ugh. anyway. shopping sundays are always my favorite. i just hope i can talk my honey into it. he's generally pretty good about coming along. i'll just promise him some IKEA meatballs and he's good. ;)

hey there girl...

2010-03-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

our tech guy just arrived. only an hour and fifteen minutes late and without calling. then his opening line, instead of "sorry, i'm late," was "hey there girl, did you try to call me?" he's a pleasant enough fellow, but it drives me crazy that he's always late and calls me "girl" all the time. he can't be but a handful of years older than me. it wouldn't bother me if he were an old man, but some random guy? bleh.

it continued all morning. he called me "kiddo" to which i replied that i was not comfortable with that. he tried to make light of it. then when his two cronies showed up later he tried to make me feel guilty or embarrassed by announcing to them that they couldn't call me kiddo. it was ridiculous. they would have never done that to janine (who is in her 50's) or another man. gotta love the sexism is alive and well in the workplace!

earnie kent.

2010-03-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

i actually teared up a bit listening to his resignation speech.

i spoke too soon!

2010-03-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

the day started out so lovely. i wore my sunglasses in on the way to internship. all the flowers and trees are blooming. then about an hour ago it started to pour! ugh. silly me for walking out of the house without my raincoat. i should know better seeing as i am a born and raised oregonian. mother nature seems to be reminding me that it's not spring yet!

hooray for spring!

2010-03-16T07:16:00.001-07:00

fini!

2010-03-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

i turned in my last paper yesterday. it felt sooooo good to be done with it. i actually stayed for the lecture as well. there were only 5 of us out of 30. so we moved into one of the fancy Phd conference rooms with an amazing view of portland. so nice! it was a great lecture on working with the aging population. i now have a list of books i need to read. the good and bad of grad school is i could probably take classes for another 10 years and still find things i am interested in learning. i really do love school, just hate the homework. ;)

first sunday in weeks!

2010-03-14T13:14:00.001-07:00

i am so excited. i have all my school work done for this term, so i don't have to do ANYTHING i don't want to. that is the love. i am going to go check out a few sales at Lloyd Center, then hit up Target, the grocery store and home in time to watch Precious with the hubs and bestie. what a great day it is!

starting fresh

2010-03-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

i just closed my livejournal account after 5+ years. i am kinda ok with it. that was my life then. i like my life now. so here i am. not sure what i'll do with this space, but it's here if i need/want it.