Tuesday, April 15, 2014

too - adverb: to a higher degree than is desirable, permissible, or possible; excessively.

While sitting with a colleague, consulting about a client, they intimated that the client probably felt safe because she was sitting with another colleague now, "who was the least intimidating thing there is." They then asked me if I wanted to return to the room and talk to the client or if they should. They again implied that since they were "a small person with a little green suit and wouldn't be seen as imposing," that perhaps they should return to the room instead.

As these statements were made within moments of each other, it took everything in me to stay present in the conversation. I did a quick 2 second, "are you overreacting" evaluation in my head and quickly decided I wasn't. Regardless of the intent, the impact of both of these statements felt like an attack on my size and on my ability to sit present in a room and not be experienced as imposing or intimidating. I feel like I've gotten this message a lot throughout my life and the only place I can lay it, is on my body.

My body was being perceived as too big, too round and taking up too much space. My hair is too short and my pretty just isn't pretty enough. I think about lookism. I think about fat oppression. I think about how quickly those that we might consider allies, become antagonists in our life stories. I think about how hard it is to feel emotionally safe with someone once that bridge has been crossed. I think about how do you begin to repair something someone doesn't even recognize needs to be repaired. I think about the judgement I take on and embarrassment I feel for simply existing in my body.

 Then, in that slight pause between thoughts, I take a deep meaningful breath.  I allow myself to feel the cleansing energy reach every nook and cranny in my body and I give this all up to the ether, to the universe and seek to let it all go.


Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I've crossed the finish line.

Hard to believe that this part of my journey has come to an end.  It all began in the spring of 2009, on somewhat of a whim.  I was leaving a job that I had once loved very much.  I was feeling angry and hurt about what the new leadership was choosing to enact and knew that leaving was my only choice.    At the same time that this important part of my life was ending, I was also preparing for the new life adventure of getting married.  I wasn't sure what the future held for me professionally, and I knew that I wanted a change.

I had talked with my friends and colleagues about what my next steps might be.  I was trying to determine where I wanted to go, if I wanted to stay in the domestic violence field or if I wanted to explore something totally different.  As I continued to apply and interview for jobs, I kept getting feedback that I was qualified, and that what social services agencies wanted were MSW's that could supervise interns and staff.  I had a Masters in Public Administration plus years of leadership experience, and it wasn't enough.

As I figured that I didn't have anything to lose by looking, I checked to see when the application deadline was for the MSW program at PSU.  It was then I learned that I had exactly 5 days to complete my application, get letters of recommendation and my personal statement together.  Somehow the Universe saw fit to make this happen and in that very short time my application was submitted for the part-time program.

I spent the next few months planning for both the possibility of grad school and re-entering the work force.  I continued to look for jobs, while also enjoying the dream of going back to school.  In May I got a letter stating that I had not been accepted, and  had been placed on the waiting list.  I righted myself with the idea that this dream probably wasn't going to happen this year and kept moving forward. Then in August, while driving to Eugene to begin the week of festivities before our wedding, I got a two line email from Janet Putnam at the School of Social Work and it read, "There is a position in the full time program.  Call me ASAP if you want it."

This was a game changer.  I hadn't found work, and I hadn't planned for a full time grad program.  Thankfully I have a wonderfully supportive partner who said, "Of course you will go, we'll figure the rest out!"  And that's just what we did.  I went to school full time, worked part time, wrote papers, started a family, read more theory than I will ever remember, fought for custody of my step-son, interned at four different placed, parented, partnered and tried to keep my sanity intact and in 2011, graduated with a sparkling new Masters of Social Work degree.

In June 2011, I entered the world of community mental health. I had spent nearly 15 years prior working in community non-profits in everything from a volunteer to a Deputy Director position and nothing quite prepared me for the dysfunction, mismanagement, lack of true commitment to self-care or betterment of staff, that community mental health has offered.  It also did not give me the depth of understanding about working with dedicated, fierce, compassionate mental health clinicians and remarkably resilient clients that together inhabit the space that is community mental health. So for the last three years, this is where I have chosen, for better or worse, to reside.  Even with all the tears, tension and tiredness that I have experienced, I wouldn't have changed a thing.  I know that I am a better social worker and person because of those that have touched my life as a client or co-clinician.

So today, when I pressed that last button on my LCSW exam, and successfully completed that final step in this journey, I did pause and think of all of those people and experiences that helped me get here.  I wish I could thank everyone individually, and I hope you all know how much I appreciate you and what you have brought to my life.


Monday, February 24, 2014

Study, study, study!

I am studying for my LCSW exam.  I am actually scheduled to take it in the near future.  I am really nervous that I am going to fail it, so I haven't really told anyone.  That's the great thing about having a blog that not many people read.  I am able to get this out of my head, take a few deep breaths and just keep STUDYING!!

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Oi! Yoga for the first time in months...ouch!

I did yoga for the first time today in a couple months and I am pretty sure that I pulled my armpit muscle.  I got use to a fat yoga class that was both challenging and restorative.  Unfortunately due to my new work schedule I can't make it those classes, so I was stuck with a gym class.

It wasn't awful.  It was a small class.  The instructor was more woo than gym rat, which I totally appreciated.  There was no body diversity in the class, which was a bummer.  Otherwise it was an ok replacement for what I really wanted.  And truthfully, my body has been telling me for a few weeks now that it needs to move.


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

It's Christmas morning 2013. I am working this year, which I haven't done in a very long time.  I am pretty ambivalent about working today.  We didn't have any plans this year and I really miss my family.

Having split custody makes holidays challenging.  Unfortunately we have exchange day  for my step-son, the day after Christmas.  This has meant that last four years we have had to shorten or not take trips.  One year we were going to take him to Alaska to spend a week with my family and have a white Christmas, however his mother was not willing to be flexible and getting back the day after was just going to be too expensive.  Last year we drove home from my parents two hours away,  right after dinner.  It just hasn't been the same.

I miss gathering with my family and extended family.  I miss weeks of holiday parties leading up to Christmas.  I miss caroling with friends.  I miss watching cheesy movies together as a family.  I miss decorating together.  I miss baking together.  I miss watching football together.  I miss watching everyone open their gifts with glee.  I miss my mom making Puffs and Jam for breakfast.  I miss Christmas Eve pizza dinner and Christmas day feast.  I miss the enjoyment of the season and just being surrounded by those I love.  

I know life changes and people are busy.  I just always thought these activities and company is how my life would be.  I am bummed to not get to carry on traditions with my family.  I can't wait for the Christmas we get to spend together again as a family -Nena and Pa, all the boys, my hubsy and even the stinky dogs!    

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Practice.

I'm really excited to be moving to a new position in my company. This will allow me opportunity to utilize my days differently. One of these great opportunities is getting to cook more. So I'm practicing today. I've made a pot of homemade veggi chili with vegetables from my garden. Now I just can't wait to get home to try it!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Getting excited!

Tomorrow is the kiddo's first day of high school.  I still can't quite wrap my mind around the fact that he will be a freshman, and can only imagine how is Dad feels.  They came into my life the summer before 4th grade.  I know he is really nervous.  It's high school and a new school to top it off.

I have so many hopes for him.  I hope he thrives in high school.  I hope he finally makes friends that he can build life long friendships with.  I hope that he finds interests that will carry him into adulthood.  I hope that he laughs, struggles and is successful.  I hope he continues to build on his fragile self-esteem.  I hope he makes good and responsible decisions, and when he doesn't that we will be able to guide him back with love and respect.  I hope this year is the first of many successes for our sweet son.