Tuesday, April 15, 2014

too - adverb: to a higher degree than is desirable, permissible, or possible; excessively.

While sitting with a colleague, consulting about a client, they intimated that the client probably felt safe because she was sitting with another colleague now, "who was the least intimidating thing there is." They then asked me if I wanted to return to the room and talk to the client or if they should. They again implied that since they were "a small person with a little green suit and wouldn't be seen as imposing," that perhaps they should return to the room instead.

As these statements were made within moments of each other, it took everything in me to stay present in the conversation. I did a quick 2 second, "are you overreacting" evaluation in my head and quickly decided I wasn't. Regardless of the intent, the impact of both of these statements felt like an attack on my size and on my ability to sit present in a room and not be experienced as imposing or intimidating. I feel like I've gotten this message a lot throughout my life and the only place I can lay it, is on my body.

My body was being perceived as too big, too round and taking up too much space. My hair is too short and my pretty just isn't pretty enough. I think about lookism. I think about fat oppression. I think about how quickly those that we might consider allies, become antagonists in our life stories. I think about how hard it is to feel emotionally safe with someone once that bridge has been crossed. I think about how do you begin to repair something someone doesn't even recognize needs to be repaired. I think about the judgement I take on and embarrassment I feel for simply existing in my body.

 Then, in that slight pause between thoughts, I take a deep meaningful breath.  I allow myself to feel the cleansing energy reach every nook and cranny in my body and I give this all up to the ether, to the universe and seek to let it all go.

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