I have always loved dressing up. My mom has awesome pictures of me a child in frilly dresses. I loved having my bone-straight towhead blonde hair up in pink curlers the night before an event and then watching them fall in to bouncy curls the next day. In my teens it was getting dressed up in my gowns for Job's Daughters, or singing at weddings and in the choir which required emerald green and black taffeta dresses with sweetheart necklines and poofy sleeves.
Somewhere between adolescences and adulthood it changed. I have been reflecting back and think it was upon my return from living a year abroad. I feel like I changed a lot that year. I got pierced and tattooed. I feel like I came into my identity as someone who was not straight (it wasn't until college that I fully embraced my queerness!). I became a much more whole being during that time, exploring and embracing more complicated facets of who I was in general. Then I returned home to Eugene, where everyone had moved on with their lives growing and changing together. When I came back, it felt like I was supposed to just pick up where I left off - when in fact I was a completely different person. I believe now that that dissonance fed my poor self-image and forced me further into my shell.
Some who have known me my whole life would probably never describe me as someone that was ever overwhelmed or intimidated and that is often how I felt and still feel inside. My experience growing up in a fat body allowed me to only see two choices; one was hiding away and never being seen or heard the other was to step into my own skin. This would often mean "faking until I felt it" and displaying a brave face when other people were mean and hurtful. This meant laughing at myself first as to beat others to the punch. Big smiles, confident, out going; lonely, lost, sad.
I am glad I no longer reside in those places as often. That's not to say that I don't get tripped up on my own stuff on occasion. It's easy to do, regardless of your size. Now a days, I have been trying to investigate and stay curious when I start walking down that road. I try to find spaces where I can be ok, just how I am in my pretty frock or sweatpants, reminding myself that this is a journey, not a destination.
This was a dress that I bough over a a year ago to wear to a wedding, however the in one of those moments decided that I couldn't wear it. A year later I pulled it out and got lots of positive feedback and felt pretty sexy in it!
This is a new addition to my collection. I bought it two months ago for a wedding and was so excited to gt to wear it. It looks like lace and is in fact a wonderfully comfy heavy rayon/poly/spandex blend. It is incredibly comfy and both hangs and twirls nicely. Can't wait for cooler weather to partner it with a jean jacket, leggings and boots!
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| Frilly dress and curls circa 1978 |
Some who have known me my whole life would probably never describe me as someone that was ever overwhelmed or intimidated and that is often how I felt and still feel inside. My experience growing up in a fat body allowed me to only see two choices; one was hiding away and never being seen or heard the other was to step into my own skin. This would often mean "faking until I felt it" and displaying a brave face when other people were mean and hurtful. This meant laughing at myself first as to beat others to the punch. Big smiles, confident, out going; lonely, lost, sad.
I am glad I no longer reside in those places as often. That's not to say that I don't get tripped up on my own stuff on occasion. It's easy to do, regardless of your size. Now a days, I have been trying to investigate and stay curious when I start walking down that road. I try to find spaces where I can be ok, just how I am in my pretty frock or sweatpants, reminding myself that this is a journey, not a destination.
This was a dress that I bough over a a year ago to wear to a wedding, however the in one of those moments decided that I couldn't wear it. A year later I pulled it out and got lots of positive feedback and felt pretty sexy in it!
 |
| Dress:Lane Bryant, Belt: Torrid Shoes: Crocs Tattoos: Roll Hardy |
This is a new addition to my collection. I bought it two months ago for a wedding and was so excited to gt to wear it. It looks like lace and is in fact a wonderfully comfy heavy rayon/poly/spandex blend. It is incredibly comfy and both hangs and twirls nicely. Can't wait for cooler weather to partner it with a jean jacket, leggings and boots!
 |
| Dress: Torrid Sandals: Aravon |
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