Thursday, August 21, 2014

Profound Change

Today I was looking through the pictures I have loaded to my computer thus far in my fashion/body pos blogging journey, and this is what my screen looked like.

I started giggling with giddiness.  I don't think I have ever seen 36 pictures of myself in (mostly! - but that post is literally for another day) clothes that I love and a smile on my face.  Oh, I have a selfie here and there and some lovely engagement/wedding photos and nothing quite like this.  I have to say that the more I do this project, the more comfortable I have become with my body and aware of my feelings about my body. That might sound funny to those of you who read this and know about my body journey, and it's true!

For many years I have had an ambivalent relationship with my body. I have both loved and loathed it.  In public and among my peers in the Fat Activist/HAES movement I was full of pride and joyfully presented myself.  Strong, confident and outgoing - all words used to describe me.  Often times, I felt (and to be honest sometimes still) the exact opposite.  I was able to look at my peers bodies, both larger and smaller than mine, and find beauty, grace, strength, softness with genuine appreciation - yet often could not see the same things in myself.

It has been in the last year or two that this has really begun to shift.  I feel that as I age, I have begun to be a little more gentle with myself.  I have been able to fully appreciate that my body and soul have carried me through so much.  Recently, in my yoga class I have paid close attention during savasana as my teacher reminds us that we get to live this life once that we know of and that our bodies have carried us through to this moment and we should be grateful.  It feels like such a simple, yet profound statement every time she says it.

Today, when looking at this page of pictures I had that same feeling.  How simple yet profound it is to love myself.

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